Hi, honey. How was work?
I didn't quite make it to work this morning, Peg.
You may not have noticed, since you were too busy sleeping.
The city towed my car away again this morning.
They keep thinking it's an abandoned car.
- Why, Peg? - It's a Dodge, Al.
Any time you see a Dodge, you think it's abandoned.
Hey, by the way, where's your neck?
Well, that's an amusing little side story, Peg.
You see, when I got to the impound lot...
...I saw my car was in line for the wrecking ball.
So I ran over and jumped in, tried to stop it.
But I was too late. But I did get a free sunroof.
Both for my car and my head. Straighten me out, for God's sake, Peg.
Thanks, Peg. You got any aspirin?
Oh, just two.
You know, your stories always give me such a headache.
Hey, Dad, can I borrow your car? I gotta go through a rough part of town.
I found if I turn my hat backwards and drive your car...
...even the gangs cut me a wide path.
Dodge says something very special about you.
Oh, yeah. It says, "Damn right I failed."
- Are you okay, Mrs. D'Arcy? - Well, I was...
...till I was swept up by this huge machine...
...which now knows me as few men have.
- Do you mind backing it up a bit? - Sure, mister.
Marcy, I saw what happened. I ran right over.
Nice bike.
- Aren't you gonna ask me how I am? - I asked you this morning.
How many times a day do I have to ask you how you feel? I care, okay?
Young man, do you have insurance?
- Of course not. - Insurance?
Oh, I suppose having insurance isn't cool anymore?
Come on, Jefferson.
I drove a moped in college, so I understand the outlaw mentality.
But the next time you run over my wife, you better have insurance, pally.
Nice bike.
Punk.
So did you have a good time today?
Yeah, I always have fun watching sausages being made.
You know, I never knew how many fingers went into them.
Listen, I wanted to take you out tomorrow...
...because it's your birthday and all.
And they say that jail hardens a man.
Oh, hi, Daddy. Do you remember Frank?
I barely remember Bud.
- Your boss called. You're late for work. - Whoops, I gotta run.
- Daddy, give Frank a kiss for me, okay? - Of course, pumpkin.
Relax, Frank. I don't kiss anyone who doesn't cook for me. Ask the wife.
Sir, I hope you don't mind I'm taking your daughter out for her birthday.
No kidding? It's her birthday?
Well, what is she, 12, 30? Who really cares.
Just take her someplace special. Wait a minute.
There. Now beat it.
Al, that attractive young thug has shamed us.
- We forgot Kelly's birthday again. - So? Bundys don't celebrate birthdays.
Oh, sure it causes irreparable, emotional scars...
...but saves a few bucks in presents.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - Luscious hooters?
No, I wasn't thinking that. I should've been, but...
I was thinking about your sister's birthday.
And we're missing a grand opportunity here.
I say we should ask to take Kelly out.
She'll say she has plans and she'll actually think we care.
And then we can just forget Kelly's birthday forever.
Because if she complains, we'll say:
"Well, we offered to take you out...
...but you broke our hearts when you turned us down."
Bud, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Kelly's a sucker? - No. I was thinking of luscious hooters.
I'd moved on. Kelly, come down here. Hurry up.
Smile all you want. I am not pulling any of your fingers.
Well, I guess one surprise will have to do, then.
Sweetheart, tomorrow is a very important day.
- It's my little girl's birthday. - Congratulations, Bud.
I'm just kidding. I mean, who would care about his birthday?
- I can't believe you remembered mine. - Not only did we remember it...
...but we want to celebrate it by taking you to the movies. With the family.
Well, I have a date with Frank and I really like him a lot.
Oh, she's busy.
It's all right, honey. We understand.
But I am going to cancel my date and go to the movies with you.
I mean, you guys are like a family to me.
Happy now, bonehead?
Now this one's gonna want something for his birthday too.
Well, forget about it. We don't even wanna know when it is.
Fortunately, he has no friends to tell us.
He has no friends.
Eighteen movies in this Cineplex...
...and the only one not sold out is Coffee Cups For Two.
I guess that must mean it's gonna be real good.
- Oh, lordy. - Hey, wait a minute, Peg.
- Wait. We can't afford that. - Americans coming through.
- Bonbon. - Peg, we're on a limited budget here.
Bonbon.
It's more expensive here than anywhere else.
- Bonbon. - Bonbon.
And I would like a...
And a large Diet Coke. Yes, thank you very much.
That'll be $100.
But we don't need this dog here.
How dare you try to sell us empty boxes?
I brought this from home.
Let's go.
You didn't see nothing, kid. You understand me? Nothing.
Thank you, family. This is the bestest birthday I ever had.
I can't believe he's here. I am so upset.
Well, honey, it's kind of a family thing. We couldn't leave Daddy home.
No, Mom. Look, it's Frank.
God, just because I broke our date, he's out with another girl.
And he has that talking-about- his-uncle's-sausage look on his face.
Oh, now, don't worry, honey.
You're gonna have a great time. You're with your family.
Well, Dad, enough of this bonding. I got a captive audience here.
I'm gonna go bother me some girls.
Hello.
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm your new boyfriend.
Well, I'm your new ex-girlfriend.
Call me.
Reginald Bundy, critic for the Times.
You know, I get so few chances to see films with the public.
This time I wanna watch a film exactly as the people do.
So, if you don't mind...
Oh, I see you're alone. Well, don't worry...
...because me and my beard make just an excellent friend.
Here's the popcorn you wanted, Lil.
You know, some boy was bothering me before.
I wonder where he is now.
Well, let me know if you see him.
Damn. I'm sitting on something lumpy.
Probably a Milk Dud.
You people have to keep your feet down.
- Go chase yourself, peasant. - Go on.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...our theatres are participating in a Send a Kid to the Movies program.
An usher will be collecting at the end of this feature. Thank you.
- Hey, the movie's starting. Shut up. - Save my seat, Peg.
Gave me his popcorn.
And now our feature presentation.
Mom, did this ever happen to you when you dated?
Yes. Once. I was out with your dad...
...and we saw this really cool boy that I was dating out with another girl.
So I had your Daddy beat him up.
You know, that's what I love about your dad. He's like a big, stupid guard dog.
He didn't even ask why he was beating the guy up.
He just loved it so.
Honey, men are to be ignored.
Just pretend you're married to this guy. You won't care what he does.
Well, it's not so easy. I mean, I wear my heart on my sleaze.
Daddy, what makes men cheat on women?
Women.
Pumpkin, don't take it personally. See...
...men are different. We're loners, rogues, great white hunters...
...roaming wild and free, like our ancestors, the mighty monkey.
We need variety. In fact, women like us that way.
They want us to be that way.
Women don't respect men unless they cheat.
That's why your mother doesn't respect me.
But, honey, if it'll make you feel any better... Booby. I saw a booby.
Al, that is a forehead with a zit on it.
Put on your glasses.
This is too much.
I'm gonna get more popcorn and complain...
...to the manager there's not enough hooters...
...in this otherwise undistinguished film.
God, I've never been cheated on before.
Mom, am I losing it?
Oh, no, honey. You don't lose it till you're like 50 or 60.
I mean, look at me.
I am getting sexier and, yes, classier, every year.
I can't be losing it. I gotta see something.
Excuse me. Would you leave her for me?
You bet.
Thanks.
Well, that helped a little bit.
I hate men.
So does God. That's why he made them want us.
Not to change the subject from men, but where's your father?
Peg? Kids? Where the hell are you?
Well, I complained to the manager about the lack of hooters in this film.
You know, Peg, you're looking good in this dim light.
Remember what we used to do at the movies?
You're not Peg! Peg! Peg, help me!
- Al? - Peg?
- Al! - Peg!
- Al, you're in the wrong theatre again! - What?
Damn multiplexes.
Oh, my gosh. I think I see a booby.
Peg, wait. I'll be over in a minute. I think I'm seeing hooters here!
I am seeing hooters here.
That was a beautiful, lovely movie. I saw 22 hooters.
A bunch of guys were killed. Had no story at all.
It had... It had everything.
Oh, my God. It's Mr. D'Arcy.
What, is everybody cheating on everybody?
You know, I have got half a mind to give him half a half of my mind.
You. Neighbor boy.
How dare you cheat on your miserable, flat-chested...
...aged, skinny little wife with this obvious slattern.
I mean, look at her. That hair. That slutty dress.
Well, the dress is okay.
Go away, you idiot.
Oh, I see. You guys are role-playing.
Hey, Mom, Dad. The D'Arcys are role-playing to get themselves hot.
How am I supposed to score sitting with my parents?
I'm a cool guy and nobody knows it because I'm with my parents.
Next time I'm gonna sit alone.
Yeah. Babes can't resist a guy who sits alone at the movies.
Maybe I'll wear a raincoat.
How long is this thing?
She loves him. He loves her.
I can't take it.
I'm gonna run amuck and start dismembering everyone.
And I'm gonna start with her.
Gee, this film has really touched Al.
I see a tear in his eye.
I think I actually may get some tonight.
Thank you, Cosmo. You really do know men.
I like the way my hair tastes tonight.
I can't take this anymore. It's like Chinese waiter torture.
I have to talk.
- Hello, Frank. - Kelly.
It's not what you think. You see, I was planning on using her dentist...
...and I was just checking out his work.
Well, I might have bought that if I didn't know that you see an excellent dentist.
But, you know, it's okay.
I mean, at first I was hurt to see you with someone else, but after all...
...I cancelled the date. It's my birthday...
...and it is time to handle my life maturely.
I want you to know that I understand what happened and it's okay.
- Daddy, beat him up. - Of course, pumpkin.
And that's why cable will never replace the moviegoing experience.